Good Morning, Sunshine
It’s four AM and I haven’t yet gone to sleep.
Not that I’ve really been trying, but I’m pretty positive that any attempts would have been unsuccessful.
I’m feeling very… something, right now.
Kind of jittery and lost and drifting and confused and worried and wondering and contemplative and all sorts of crazy, but a tiny bit at peace, too.
I finally just went through my night time pre-sleeping ritual and my mouth tastes like toothpaste residue. I love that feeling and that taste.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
More importantly, I don’t even know what I’m doing with the next two weeks of my life.
I plan on putting in my two weeks notice within the next week or so. (I would’ve done it today if I didn’t need that extra week’s pay check…) I have no idea where I’m going from there. I’ll figure it out, I’m sure, I always do, more or less…
Then I have two more years of college and I’ll have a degree and be out on the street begging for scraps. I don’t know how to find a job, or what kind of job to look for, or if I even want a job. I just don’t know.
I don’t even know what I want to do.
Everyone has their dreams and their desired jobs and all that jazz.
Me… I just want to be rich and possibly famous, but mostly just rich. I have no plans on how to get there though. I’d write a novel, but I’m lazy, don’t have any good ideas, and I’m lazy.
When did I become so lazy? When did I become this drifting, procrastinative, empty, lazy, apathetic blob? I used to care, and I used to do it really well. I used to dream, too. I used to have plans. That all culminated in my senior year of high school where instead of applying to all of the school’s that could have gotten me where I wanted to go, or given me the opportunity to do anything, I applied to three schools. Two local and one that I didn’t plan on going to anyway. If I could go back and change that I would. I would be recently home from college right now, seasonally employed somewhere, thousands of dollars in debt and happy with the decisions I had made.
Oh well. The past is the past is the past is the past. It’s so hard to remember that sometimes. We, as humans, pride ourselves on our memory, on our history, on our ability to learn from our mistakes and from others. And then we proceed to repeat them again and again and again and again. I know I do the same stupid things again and again and again, rinse and repeat, minus the rinsing… (”Yeah, I’m going to start saving money now…” “Oh, well, four hundred dollars in Philly over three days, three hundred dollars of video games I don’t need, a few hundred dollars of books and t-shirts won’t be a problem…” “And oh wait, there’s that phone bill, and car insurance, and Brazillian kid you pay thirty bucks a month for.” Go me.)
I just want a sense of purpose and direction and meaning and kick in the ass telling me where to go and what I should do and why I should do it. I want to love with a conviction and reasoning and logic behind it. While all of this “money can’t buy me love,” and “love is all I need” stuff is great, and I too want love with passion and meaning and hot, hot, hot sex. But I also want love with “I know where I’m going with my life so I can stop being angsty and whiny and grab a hold of myself and just do something.”
I want to do something. I want an adventure. I want to fly to Australia and go on a Walkabout (speaking of which, after watching Lost, I Googled walkabouts and couldn’t really find any, if anyone has any links or information on any, that would be great!). The only problems with such things are mainly money and secondarily “responsiblities.” You have to work to have money to do the things you want, but then you never have time to do the things you want because you’re always at work.
I hope the self-help book(s) I ordered off of Amazon are able to help me actually help myself and make billions of dollars working only fifteen minutes a month. Or not, whatever. I just want. to. do. something. Anything. I don’t care what. If it’s cheap that would be nice. But honestly, whatever. I want to go gather experiences sew them together and fly them as a kite. A really big, bright, obnoxious kite that I can wave in everybody elses’ faces. They can then laugh at me because I have not the slightest clue how to launch a kite…
And I want to know, I want to know everything. I want to know who, what, where, when, how, and why. But I hate to ask questions. There’s me being a jackass again, but not the good kind. I make myself angry for being so stupid and contradictory all of the time. I then get angrier at myself for getting angry at myself. I then make up and become apathetic and unhappily content again. The three of me get along just great. </sarcasm>
I think that’s all for the angsty bitching and moaning and groaning tonight. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go make something of it. Or, the much more likely scenario, I’ll turn off my alarm clock when it goes off, sleep until one, play video games until four thirty, eat, and go to work about ten minutes late.
Look at me, I’m living the American Dream…
Something else that I should do tomorrow that everyone should keep bothering me about is to write about Philadelphia and load up other pictures and any good videos that I might have.
